Are you your own best friend?  Do you enjoy your own company?  Do you relish your alone time?  If you answered no to any of these questions you are cheating yourself in life.  

Most people want to be with someone–it’s natural.  But, most people get with someone when they’re not ready so the relationship usually fails or, at best,  is dysfunctional.  Being in a dysfunctional relationship is a failure too.  A lot of people think that just because they’re “together” they have succeeded.

Wrong answer.

No matter where you are (or appear to be) in life, there is always room for improvement.  No results will be gained unless the actual issues/problems are treated–not the symptoms.  Finding someone will not “cure” your issues–it will compound them.  The healthier you are, the healthier people you will attract.  So if you haven’t gone through (not over, not under, not around…through) your issues, then chances are you will attract someone as sick as you are which obviously compounds all issues/problems.  So, why not step outside of the box and try something different?  Why not try to fall in love with yourself?  If you do this, you won’t obsess over “needing” someone and you will probably meet the right person at the right time.  Too many people are on a mission to get into a relationship.  There are different opinions about the divorce rate in the United States, but it seems to be around 50%.  If a study was done on happy marriages, my guess is that of the 50% who stayed “together”, only about 50% of them are actually happy.  Sad.

So what’s going on isn’t working–time to try something new.  First of all, list what you want to change about yourself.  Job?  Education? Money?  Weight/fitness?  Whatever, it doesn’t matter, just list it. Then, next to each issue, list what (if anything) you have tried to do to change.  Put in parenthesis if the “solution” you used attempted to treat the problem or the symptom.  Next, put a solution that treats the actual problem.  Then finally, write the feelings & thoughts associated with what you want to change.

Example:

1. Weight/Fitness–diets, diet clubs, etc. (symptom)–address overeating issues via 12 step program, counselor, etc.–sad, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, reclusive
2. Job–talked about going back to school (symptom)–facing reality about fear of failure, laziness, and applying to the school & applying for loans–depressed, sad, unfulfilled, failure, loser
3. Money/Debt–tried to spend less (symptom)–address why overspending, cut up credit cards, consolidate debt with a loan, make a budget, etc.–angry, stressed, worried, out of control, panicky

The problem is, most people won’t do simple things like this for a lot of silly reasons:  they think they can do it on their own (even though it has never worked and never will); they don’t think the new strategy of treating the problem will actually work–they are set in their ways and are unwilling to even consider making a change no matter how simple and slight that change is; they believe they will be successful treating the symptom or they’re just plain lazy.  It’s best to start small, but you have to start.  Getting started with anything is always the hardest part.  Commit five minutes to a task and you’ll be surprised how many you’ll actually complete.

Here’s a list of tools that help the process:

1. Gratitude List (of course)
2. Appreciate what you have and take care of it (car, house, etc.)
3. Commit to one thing (taking an hour walk every day, etc.)
4. Think about what you think about (switch gears when necessary)
5.  Calm down (take 5 minutes for yourself when necessary)
6. Do NOT complain (about anything)
7. Do NOT blame (anyone)
8. Take full responsibility for your life (even when it really is “their” fault)
9. Use the critics and naysayers as fuel to succeed (now you’ll really upset them)
10. Look back at your life and write down the consistent complaints people have had about you throughout your lifetime, then own it and address it (this is the best one); list your friends & co-workers and write down how you think they would describe you (good and bad)–gossipy, lazy, sloppy, angry, irritating, negative, always late, liar, untrustworthy, rat, ass-kisser, dependable, not dependable, takes pride in work, sweet, smart, productive, safe, trustworthy, humble, etc.

For example, all of my life I have had negative feedback for talking too much and saying the wrong things.  Now I practice active listening and think about what I say.  I also try not to use the word “like” when I speak.  I refuse to speak any falsehood and this includes exaggeration.  I check my motives and watch for ego.  I felt ashamed when I realized how lame my speech sounded at times so I have really worked on it.  I also tend to beat myself up over past behaviors so I have to practice switching gears  (still working on this).

You do not have to be your parents.  You do not have to follow your genetic predispositions.  You really can make positive, lasting changes and learn to love yourself.  This process will be two steps forward and one step backwards.  The key is commitment.  You can have anything you want if you’re willing to pay the price for it!