Resentments are mind clutter—mind hoard.
All we have is what we think about, yet we spend most of our time working on anything besides how we think.
It’s a skill and it takes practice. If you cannot control your mind, you cannot control your emotions and you WILL be ruled by them. They will dominate you and make you say things you don’t want to say and do things you don’t want to do which will cause a lot of problems in your life. Many painful emotions come with that type of out-of-control behavior–especially anger and shame. If you cannot stop your mind in the early stages of an emotion(s), you can forget it because it will quickly become a runaway freight train. You will suffer the consequences of its destination. It’s really scary and often embarrassing. Self-control isn’t an act. To act “as if” with self-control will end up like the diet that lasted three days. Whatever is inside a person will eventually come out–via the tongue. You cannot wear a mask forever. And this isn’t about “taming” your tongue. It’s about (as always) the inside job we all need to do that is the solution to everything. Why? Because the main point in life is growth. There is a huge difference between intellectual maturity and emotional maturity. Now you know why the brain surgeon beats his wife.
People have life boxed into some idea they were taught, sold, created, whatever. And what happens in life isn’t the issue. It’s not just how we handle it, it’s how we grow from it. You can handle a situation really well with zero growth. Because of this “box illusion”, people get stuck because life didn’t turn out the way they thought it should. In reality, it’s an adventure. We come into the world with nothing and we leave with nothing. That’s why job loss, house foreclosure, etc. isn’t as big of a deal as people think. It just moves us to another chapter and if we do the right thing, it will turn out to be a blessing. People comment about how short life is all the time and it is, but the problem is they stop there. There’s a reason it’s so short and compared to eternity it’s a split second. Time is the most valuable thing we have and it’s sad that so many people chase things and nothingness.
Social climbing is a waste that reeks of insecurity. There’s never a top rung of the ladder and even if you got there, it wouldn’t be enough. There would be more mind clutter and mind hoard which stops growth. Obviously, this isn’t a new concept. And as usual, resentment is the biggest box. It goes back to the same old question–how do you really get rid of resentments? There are a lot of helpful tools. I have had the most success by praying for them, putting them in my God box, and stop talking about them and the situation because this gives it power (this is where I fail). But, it wasn’t until recently, while in meditation, that I was given the best solution thus far in my life–visualize being them.
I started with this woman (I will not call her a lady–yes, I still have work to do) who used to be my boss. I switched divisions so fortunately, she wasn’t my boss anymore. But, this didn’t stop her from trying to destroy me. She hated me because I told her the truth–how it wasn’t okay for her to torture her employees, what people really thought of her, how she really wasn’t very good at her job, etc. I’m still growing…LOL. So, it was much easier for her to hate me than to take that terrifying look inside. Anyway, she caused me a lot of stress and I realized my thoughts were going south (which only hurt me). Some of my thoughts: “I’m glad she weighs 300 pounds. I hate her. She’s evil. It’s evil no one does anything about her. She shouldn’t have a job here, etc. etc.” In reality, this was true. I lived in a rural community in an at-will state so employers can do whatever they want. They wouldn’t do anything about her because they’re all just like her–just better with their masks and they’re a lesser degree (most of the time).
So, I went into my meditation closet and visualized waking up as her. It was horrible. I woke up, everything hurt and I hated everyone. I was bloated and had a food hangover. I had binged the night before. I couldn’t stop eating once I started. I had no real friends so work was all I had (this is where the compassion started). Work was the only place I felt like I had any self-confidence (which was faux/ego of course). I was so angry and I took it out on all of my employees. I literally had nothing but a dog, a cat, and food. I spent all of my money trying to make that food love me back, so I was never able to buy a house. Sad.
After I completed this visualization, I felt that high vibration inside. My mind and soul felt clean, uncluttered and hoard-free. After a couple of days with her at work, however, my resentment came back, but it had lessened. I kept doing the visualization and it really worked. I continued to do it sometimes because the way she treated people really bothered me and on some deep level I thought it might help them. I’d like to tell you I noticed a change in her behavior, but the truth is, I did not. But basically, I was free. Personally, I don’t believe God removes our resentments–I think he puts them in remission. If we do our part, he’ll do his. I say God because that’s what works for me. I want to be very clear–I do not push God on anyone. I believe that all he does is love us no matter what we believe or don’t believe.
I can fill my mind up with garbage just as fast as those hoarders on that TV show can refill their house. I have to keep growing or I will slip backward–I do not believe in status quo. The visualization is magic, but sometimes it’s not possible because of work or whatever. So I’ve started with the HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) tool. I also keep a note that’s constantly in my sight that says, “HALT. SLOW. CALM. SWITCH GEARS. TAKE 5 MINUTES. IT ONLY HURTS ME.” It still freaks me out that I know my sick thinking/behavior only hurts me, but I do it anyway. Why? And there is a why. There is always a why. We don’t do anything unless we’re getting something out of it. So I made myself be honest about why I did what I did and realized that I had enjoyed gossiping about my ex-boss. I liked the drama. I enjoyed watching her destroy her own life. It’s an ego trip because I was on the “better than” side (according to my insecure ego). So, I told myself I had to pay $5 every time I gossiped about her then give away the money. I made this a commitment and it worked. It’s a little off that I had to throw money into the equation for motivation, but nevertheless, it was effective. All I want in life is peace which is achieved through growth. I have to rid myself of mental clutter and mind hoard. I have to monitor this all the time and clean up as soon as there’s an issue. Like it or not, we are all fighting a war inside of ourselves.
Now, after my resentment visualizations, I say a gratitude prayer for having a clue in life. It makes me feel compassion for broken people. It also tells me that now I’m held more accountable for how I treat them. They don’t have any tools and I’m filling up a Home Depot.